Thoughts of a sequestered determined mind

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 05:53:53 GMT

have you ever just wanted to skip time till you were thin.

well I do.

I just feel I'v been doing this for so many years I just want my goal wait and everyone I know think I look great instead of telling me i'm to skinny.

My mom for the first time in about half a year made a real supper family for my sister and I. I felt obligated to eat it so I ruined me goal calorie intake for today. So I will just eat 100 tomorrow and 100 the next and 100 the nest and I should be caught up.

(Day 1)500 calories(success)
(Day 2)500 calories(eat 590)
(Day 3)300 calories(eat 375)
(Day 4)400 calories(eat 630)
(Day 5)100 calories(eat 400)
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

stupid dad

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 20:55:31 GMT

My dad really has the power to hurt me
I mean I know he is ill and dieing from cancer but he is home now
they said hes going to get better it just going to take time
Now he has a lack of will power to top him from hurting my mother and I.
I hate it because i'm so fragile, having to deal with my mentle i'llness, Ednos and dealing with having Multiple scleroses really brings a girl down stabing herself with needles in hope of preventing her nervous system from getting weaker. Now I have to deal with this. Then again hes dealing with the same things just in a diffrent way.

Dad: stop talking, Its annoying, I'm sorry but Christina its annoying...you talk then when I think your finnished you start up and your not even talking to anyone.

Mom: terry!

Dad: well its true christina admit it. you know you do it

Me: I perfer not too

Dad: why

Me: Because I prefer not too.

I'm so sick of him putting me down. I pretty much clean the house and he tells me i'm lazyy and unmotivated.

well he wouldn't even realize it if I didn't eat...If I was dieing I'd be real nice to people.
So I spent the day drinking black coffee and crying, cleaning.

I hate this so much.
I better loose weight.

(Day 1)500 calories(success)
(Day 2)500 calories(eat 590)
(Day 3)300 calories(eat 375)
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

sleep eatting

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 05:13:12 GMT

Ok so the strangest thing happened
I went to sleep at 9pm
wok up with sugar craving and walked to fridge half a sleep
when I fully wok up I had consumed a fucking cupcake.
I think the similar to sleep walking but I knew I was awake but in like a state of confusion.
My own body has turned against me.

(Day 1)500 calories(success)
(Day 2)500 calories(eat 590)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 03:01:36 GMT

I thought maybe i'll hold on to my barely held strength and want to recover and the slipping fingers let go. I fucking weigh 106 pounds. No way am I reaching 110 the last time I was that was in 2007 when I started this journal. actually I was 115
still If I kept eating I would have gotten back to a fatty. I can never be her again.

now that my sister is stressed from leaving and moving out of herr x fiances house she is loosing so much waight. so I'm extremely jealous because everyone knows i'm going through recovery. well I'm not I give up. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate looking and the feel of my fat. I'm hideously bloated all the time. I want to be skinny not this. I have no idea what I was thinking.

good by recovery and good riddens.

today was first day of ABC Diet

~~(Day 1)500 calories(or less)~~
500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 05:36:43 GMT

i'm stating the abc diet tomorrow

all I have to say is recovery you suck, i'm breaking up with you.

500 calories(or less)
500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

hey

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 07:01:50 GMT

for frigs sake when is my life going to get normal into a normal routine. Everyday I tell myself next year will be better. Anything can happen in time.

so here are my new goals.

1) fallow your week schedule so you can get down to 87 pounds, get G1, finnish editing novel.

2)have a successful bead sale

3) save money to move out with sister and her best friend, then after three months move out again but too toronto with sister.

4) get the online beading working

5)get exsepted to coloage again

6)get a serious boyfriend that you feel passionate about.

news

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 03:25:12 GMT

ok so I have been trying so hard with recovery that now I'v givin up
fuck I way the same as I did last summer and I hated me
I always end up back to 100 pounds

my dads in the hospital now
I prey for him

my sister is living with my family now that she left angle
were going to move out together as soon as my disability kicks in

at least now I won't be sooooo alone

I'm not friends with brock anymore

my bestfrinds from toronto came up to see me all last week

I was finally invited to a party again

my dogs are out of control

I made a new daily schedule to fallow so I won't have to eat,

COME ONE, COME ALL AND SEE ME FALL BACK TO BAD HABITS

SO THE HOLe NABOURHOOD HAD THE DOGS BARKING And my dogs were out of controle while the firecracker show was happening.

new fun photos

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 20:32:19 GMT

some of you girls were wondering if I was ok with recovery and wanted to know how it was going
well I started recovery three weeks ago forcing my self to eat vegetables fruit and even some chicken and a stake

next week I relapsed and I was so disgusted with my self I fasted for a 6 days. I remember when it felt impossible to fast and so easy to eat and now its in reverse. I feel comfortable and happy when I don't eat but I pay for it when my bones ache and the migraines increase.

this week I was left alone for 4 days and usually i'd fast for those days. I managed to eat 1327 calories for that hole week. I remember when I though that in 7 days I should eat 500 calories and that would at least keep me alive.

I just feel like i'm torn between both worlds.

"to eat or not to eat, that is the question."

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 03:45:11 GMT

oh man
at brennas party I felt happy and decided to not be me
so I worse skinny jeans, white tank top and it showed midriff
I made out with a sixteen year old.
i'm 19, not that proud of that moment.
hey he made the first move
I can't go to jail.
It was just kissing
i'm never doing that again I feel so guilty
I should

now i'm ealy sick of being home I just want to leave
move out
be gone

tell me what you think honestly

Fri, 29 May 2009 12:38:31 GMT

here are some pictures I took from last night

what do you think

I couldn't sleep and obviously because I couldn't eat
I think that I'm kinda at ware I want to be by the looks of these pictures but I still hate them
sometimes I wish i'd just eat but then again I don't
with everything that is happening with my uncles passing my meds for the ms and my dad going through chemo
I can't even seem to force my self to eat

friend think i'm not depressing anymore

Fri, 29 May 2009 01:09:49 GMT

sorry to all that I usually comment on
I have been in a state of depression that has helped and hindered me thoughtless
todays the fist day in a while that I haven't cried because of my illness or my fathers.
so I have been upset because of my friends ignoring me.
then my girls from toronto never do but the ones from my town were.
I think it was because I was sad to be around
I understand
well it seem eating nothing all day has put me in a reat mood even though every week there is always a day or two that I eat nothing but drink one coffe and sip on it all day. made with spenda and only 5 calories that I burn out during the day so I just say 0 calz when I count up.

Brenna my bestfriend from my town invited me to her 16 birthday party. so I guess i'm not deppressing anymore.

brock even called me and invited me over and then I couldn't cause I take care of the dogs
but he invited me over for tomorrow.

I guess what I have is hyperness from coffe but thats cool for now
oh ya fake smile time.

Sun, 24 May 2009 19:54:41 GMT

Know one understands how this town sucks ass and is killing me slowly. My dads starting to lose his hair and I wish I had happy news and i'm sick of going around pretending everything is ok. I'm sick of acting like everything is ok with me as well because honestly i'm a mess. i'm also a hermit
I have no friends in this town except brenna who like I think is pretending to be sick and trisha is screening my calls. I'm like a disease no one wants to be around me cause i'm depressing. Its ok for them to call depressed and sad and hang out when they are crying or drinking there sorrows away but if I do that heaven forbid they feel uncomfortable. I haven't hung out with someone my own age in such a long time i'm getting really depressed about it.

I keep thinking one more dreadful year and i'm out of this town back in toronto going to collage again and living on res.

Sat, 23 May 2009 01:06:01 GMT

I don't no how long I can keep this calm exterior. I want to cry but I can't
I want to scream and yell but can't
I want to go party and be a young adult and get high and smoke eat the greacest food but can't
i want to do death threatening stunts but can't
I have to be strong for my family because my dads cancer.
I feel as if I'm growing up before I should.
I can't eat anything anymore
I should be happy about that but I feel neutral all the time.

I worry to much

Tue, 12 May 2009 18:08:54 GMT

ok so I had like a minnie over reaction a few weekes ago about my body. now I am the complete opposite, I don't mind it. Fuck, that means what. Oh well i'm not eating today, don't really care why. I'm just not going to.

yesterday was the first day Of Ms meds rebif. Its a need I inject in me every monday weds friday.
the meds make my body feel bruised and took away hunger.

John keeps messaging and telling me how he's getting the van soon to come see me. i don't know what we would do in this crappy small little boring town. A part of me feels he will never come. i only knew him for three months. I don't even know how he feels about me. he is shy, at least with me. we never kissed just cuddled and laid in bed a few times at my dorm. I don't even know if I have the same feelings for him. he likes cooking to much. He is a firemen, or will be.

I worry to much

Tue, 12 May 2009 18:04:46 GMT

smile

Sat, 09 May 2009 07:22:09 GMT

so today was ok
great remission though
still have no clue how much I way
My dads been realy silent today
I ate for him
he asked me so sadly that I gave in
so that was 430 calz today
thats livable I guess
I'm on a three day fast
peace out girls
stay strong

the real me after steroids meds are done

Tue, 05 May 2009 23:35:25 GMT

I feel so faint
dizzy
day 2 of fasting
no one home

day 1=half an apple, black coffe, water, diet pepsi, tea

day 2=half an apple, black coffe, water, diet pepsi

I can do this

the horrible feelings will pass.

I have no idea how much I weigh, My mother got rid of our scale
my measurements went up, proof that i'm not crazy and I have gained.
My pilate trainer is making me a work out plan.
I'll be getting it on the 15th.

I look disgustting but thats me
I have to start from scratch again to get back down to ware I was.

on the go for now on.

Sun, 03 May 2009 09:01:27 GMT

Today was the funeral of my uncle. I finally feel he is at peace. Thats a wonderful feeling to behave. The service was sweet and caring. I now can go one with my life knowing i have him watching over me.

I have found the worlds best thinspo magazine for teenagers. Its called Nylon. Its full of perfect sinny girls and great fashion. I'm ordering a year subscription for sure.

I went for a 10 minute walk today. It felt nice for my legs to work again. I feel stronger with the medication I'm taking. Soon the syringes with be coming in. Stabbing myself with needles everyday doesn't sound fun though.

Tomorrow is the last day of my steroid and i'm celebrating with pizza and a big lolly pop. Monday is back to spring time.

organizing
Thinspo scrap book
Crafts
Knitting
working out
Writing
Fasting
studying for G1
Fabric quilt
Charity idea
Beading
Finishing 3 web sites.
I'm going to be a little buzzy beaver.
kitting kitty and puppys with a charity ribbion on it.
then all the founds can go to that charity
just got to think of which on.
probably starving kinds in Africa.

I need to keep busy or i'll get depressed again about my father and my illness.

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 23:19:45 GMT

I don't want to through u but the meds are making in hard at night
I'm so depressed about my dad and his going in for his cancer treatments soon
I quite smoking for sure
havn't touched one in weeks
I have been trying to keep my self buzy even through I'm fainting
I have sauge fingers from the steroids
I fucking hate them
I'm eaten like nothing for the past few days
I just feel sick

when the rough get harder it keeps burning and so do you.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:12:40 GMT

I'm so exhausted
i'm hoping its water weight
i have gained 5 pounds from steroids
i'v eaten 100 calories per day
people i have barley talked to from high school have been messaging me
o they really realy care who knows
My cuz brought me flowers
brocks being a huge fat ass
i have been depressed
the I V is finely out of me.

good news bad news

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 04:11:18 GMT

well the beginning of june would be nice
I don't know how i'll be but I kind of just want you to see me right now.
I'm going through a testing drug
rifib or ribif
one of the two
they hooked me up to an I V and injected that drug into me this evening. the I V stays in my hand for 4 more days and on monday I take these pills then fucking fattening steroids but they say i'll gain 5 pounds only. I can get rid of that fast. after that I'll be injecting my self with a syringe for the rest of my life every day if this medication works. so there is hope. fucking sucks, like every thing was great at Amanda's then it went down hill.

for the bad news

My uncle jack that was in the hospital died at 6 this evening of cancer the chemo did not work.. I had just gotten his bed yesterday. I'm going to miss him so much. my mom keeps secretly crying single tears,

good news

sweet John from collage contacted me in a message and he asked me if he could come visit me now that his classes are over. I could easily fall in love with this guy. he that guy who treats you amazingly. I still don't know if he just thinks of me as a friend or more. he had plenty of opportunities to kiss me but never. good news though!

finale bad news

my fathe picked me up monday from my sisters and told us that he has be dignosed with a canserious tumor in his throat. my father with have to have an opperation and radATION IF WORSE CHEMO.

my father beat cancer six years ago, he had skin cancer.

Why do we have to go though this all again
just to be stronger

I don't no why bad things have to happen to good people like us.

food hell

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 20:31:43 GMT

I closed my eyes and all I see is food

I just want to go home to my secure room and hide away.

My parents never bother me and are way to busy to even care about my eating
they care about me but not what I do
My sister on the other hand loves to fatten me up
buys all my favorites
had me watch 3 anorexic films with her
one was so stupid
the other was just sad
we havn't watched the other yet.
I just want to go back home ware I don't have to eat.

food hell

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 20:29:00 GMT

this sucks

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:26:43 GMT

I completely hate holidays. I had to screw off my fast because of my sister who said she wouldn't make me eat. She said that because she had a loop hole. Her loop hole was making me feel so guilty. I love her and I know her heart is in the right place. so yesterday I wasn't going to let a binge attack happen again so we went shopping. all I bought was

small grocery list

-dill pickles
-onion pickles
-dill pickle flavored rice chips ( so tasty and low calz)
-low calorie apple juice
-pittas
-low calorie brick of cheese
-broccoli
-milk
-4 mister noodle soups

so if she is going to make me eat 3 meals and a snack a day
i'm going to eat the least amount off calories possible.
and the highest amount of calories from that list of groceries is around 600
and if o dairy is eatten then 300. I know I can't fast so i'll restrect as much as possible untill I leave next tuesday.

I hate eating all together it makes me feel ill.

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 20:35:34 GMT

hey
I'm an admin for a community called compassion_thin
It is dyeing and this really up sets me because we all used to be like a small family
I'd like to get it back to that
so when you have time could you please check it out
if you don't like the rules you don't have to join but please check it out we need new members that will post frequently.
thank you for your time
chrisa

here our link

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